Proverbs 5 - Warning, consequences and a protection against adultery

Tonight I gave the next in our Proverbs series. On Friday, I sort of had this done, and then on Saturday, I cut a slide or two, and rewrote the ending, to better focus the trace of water and satisfaction through the Bible. It was only this morning, when I finalised the slides, that I didn't like cutting so close.  (I do also wonder with some keywords in here, if this post will get more hits than normal)

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Last month, at a Coldplay concert, people in the audience were put on the big screen and encouraged to kiss. During this “kiss cam” moment, the cameras zoomed in on a couple who were having an affair. Their actions on the big screen made it clear that they did not want to be highlighted. Their attempt at hiding became humorous for all, and the story only got better when we found out he was a CEO having an affair with the head of HR. There is something about seeing the person at the top outed and the fact that she was in HR, the department that warns against workplace relationships, only added more fuel to the memes in my feed, which is how I found out about this whole thing.

Many found the story amusing on the surface, but under it, there was a wife and kids who are forever going to be affected by these actions, and the fact that this was so globally public meant both parties had to release media statements for the whole world to read about their relationship breakdown. Imagine the shame and embarrassment this had on all involved.

It was interesting that our do-what-your-heart-is-telling-you world didn’t just embrace this and say, "well, love is love". For some reason, this was deemed as the wrong thing to do, so the memes were justified.

In a Vox article talking about this, it said that in many surveys, between 85% and 93% of people say cheating is morally wrong, and yet in other surveys, nearly half of the respondents say they have been cheated on, and 30 per cent have admitted to cheating. The cheating website with the tag line “Life is short, have an affair”, after the Coldplay event “saw a surge of new signups averaging 36,000 in the week... compared to the regular average of 20,000”.

If wisdom in Proverbs has taught us anything so far, it is that a wise person isn’t someone who knows all the right things - they are someone who lives in a right way. It is one thing to know not to cheat, that cheating is bad; it is another to not do it. Many people are happy to live in this contradiction because of where their hearts lead them.

Today's chapter in Proverbs is about adultery. It warns against it, explains the consequences and gives a preventive for. This isn’t the only time adultery has come up or will come up in our series. "The fact that chapters 5 and 7, along with part of chapter 6 are devoted to warnings against adultery shows how destructive it is." (Proverbs: The Tree of Life Description)

If you are single, you may not think a talk about marriage is for you, but we can all glean some wisdom from this. Remember back in chapter one, Proverbs are for those who are young and want to receive understanding, and for those who are wise and want to add to their learning, which should hopefully include us all.

So in this chapter, we have warnings, consequences and remedies, with a conclusion in the end.

We are to listen to the warning, consider the consequence, and instead are to drink and rejoice, living with discipline, knowing that the Lord sees all.

Listen to the Warning

In the first six sentences, we have the father's warning against adultery. Instead of quoting the 7th commandment and saying:

You shall not commit adultery. (Exodus 20:14 NIV)

The father tells a story. I recently heard that our world is shaped more by “once upon a time” than “thou shall not” (Rory Shiner in a preaching workshop). The father teaches by painting a picture to illustrate his point, by explaining the deception and warning, so the son can see the consequences that may not be apparent at the time.

My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
turn your ear to my words of insight,
that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. (Proverbs 5:1–6 NIV)

This whole bit is addressed to a son about a woman. This isn’t a warning against all women, and it is not saying that there are no predatory men out there who only want one thing. This section is working in the framing of the teaching of a father to a son.

In this warning, we can see a contrast; the son's lips are to preserve knowledge, which is to help protect him from the adulterous woman's lips that drip with honey. Her words flatter and entice. But while it sounds sweet and nice, we are told afterwards it actually tastes like bitter gall. Some translations call it wormwood, which was a bitter plant that was possibly poisonous. She is not offering anything that is healthy, only death.

Death is where her feet lead. She doesn’t think about life; her ways are aimless, and she doesn’t even know it.

Today, whether married or single, the enticement of consequence-free sex is on offer all around us. Like the women here, it sounds tempting. We can use apps to hook up, we can use contraception to prevent complications, have one-night stands and friends with benefits. It sounds good and easy, but listen to the warning: it is not good or easy. It leads to death.

This is not to say sex isn’t good. It is. Sex isn’t a thing of the world we should be scared of. God made it. It is His, and He knows how best to use it. Sex is powerful and, like fire, it can be used well for comfort or it can have terrible consequences if it gets out of hand.

Consider the Consequences

And so the next little bit talks about the terrible consequences of misuing the fire of sex, the father goes on:

Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
lest you lose your honor to others
and your dignity to one who is cruel,
lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich the house of another.
At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction!
I would not obey my teachers
or turn my ear to my instructors.
And I was soon in serious trouble
in the assembly of God’s people.” Proverbs 5:7–14 NIV

We need to go after wisdom and not down the wrong path. The son is instructed to not even go near her seductive door. Stay away, and so are we.

It is no good asking God to ‘lead us not into temptation’ if we deliberately go to those places or do those things likely to arouse it (see 4:14f). Matthew Henry said, ‘Those that would be kept from harm must keep out of harm’s way’. (Proverbs: Everyday Wisdom for Everyone 3. The Consequences of Sexual Promiscuity (vv. 7–14))

Do not entertain yourself with those things that give rise to lust. Lustful fantasies are extremely dangerous. Whether they come from TV shows, romance books, porn, or the company we keep. Every day, there are people and media that are trying to entice and lead us astray. And once aroused, our human nature is to look for and create opportunities to be fulfilled. (Proverbs (King James Version) F. The Wise Path of Life (Part 6): Flee from Evil Seduction, 5:1–23)

The thrust of this section is to think about the end of your life. What will happen if you go down this harmful path? Adultery is a sin that displeases God, but in Proverbs, we see that part of the punishment is also in the consequence of the choices you make.

In the way the world works, commit adultery and you will lose everything. Here we see a series of losses, loss of honour and dignity, loss of years and regret and self-remorse.

The poetic justice at work shows that in going after a strange woman, one that is not his own, the son could lose all that is he owns to strangers. (Proverbs Do Not Give What Is Yours to Others (5:7–14))

We see here that, sin will always cost you more than you want to pay… It demands an awful, inflated price for the brief benefit it gives. It is purchased on credit; ...but you will most certainly pay for it later. (Proverbs (King James Version) F. The Wise Path of Life (Part 6): Flee from Evil Seduction, 5:1–23)

"At its root, adultery is about a lifestyle of deception… Ultimately, adultery is a self-centered choice, intentionally ignoring the needs of one’s spouse and family and the commandments of God to satisfy one’s own selfish desires." (The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling: Personal and Emotional Issues 2 Definitions and Key Thoughts)

We sometimes joke that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, but actually, in the beginning, we were both made for Earth. Made to complement each other. Both Adam and Eve were naked and felt no shame. That was the original paradise. But sin entered this world. It was a selfish desire to go after what looked pleasing to the eye and desirable (Gen 3:6). The consequence we now all face because of sin is death and shame, and so we hide from God and each other. Sex can be used in a good way, but it needs to be protected and used wisely; otherwise, we will come to ruin.

And so we turn to its good use, the remedy to adultery.

Remedy: Drink and rejoice

In quite vivid and erotic language, the father instructs the son:

Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? (Proverbs 5:15–20 NIV)

The imagery of drinking here is a contrast with the other woman. Why drink bitter gall that could poison you, when you can drink life-giving water from your own well? Keep this water to yourself, so that you will always be satisfied and even intoxicated with your wife.

This is Gods plan for sex, that it be in "an exclusive relationship with your spouse. It is God’s desire that people fully enjoy the delights of sex with their spouses, but only with them." (Proverbs (King James Version) F. The Wise Path of Life (Part 6): Flee from Evil Seduction, 5:1–23)

Despite what some TV shows are portraying, the love in marriage need not be dull but enjoyable (rejoice, v. 18), satisfying (v. 19), even captivating. (Proverbs: Everyday Wisdom for Everyone (b) Verses 18–19: His Blessing)

It is life-giving water.

This might be different to many romantic movies, where the hero starts out in a loveless marriage and then they find their true soul mate and so go after them to be complete and understood and loved, where they find happiness ever after.

These stories reinforce our cultural idea that the basis of marriage is romantic love and is for our own self-fulfilment and enjoyment. Pushed to the extreme, this can tell us that "marriage is only as good as its sexual relationship. If romantic love is present, then the marriage is good; if not, something is wrong." (Proverbs Contemporary Significance). If my needs are not met, then I am allowed and even entitled to find them met elsewhere.

But that is not the basis of marriage; that is not the way of wisdom.

Right now, you may feel like you are in a loveless marriage, that things are hard between you and your spouse. You both may need to work on communication and expectations; a third party may need to be brought in. I don’t know, but whatever the case, this chapter is saying, the solution isn’t to go and sleep with someone else! Don’t go down that way. Sin never helps; it only makes things worse.

Refuse to accept that unhappiness in a present relationship is reason enough to begin another. (Proverbs Bridging Contexts)

We are told, in your marriage, to go back to the love of your youth. And that can take work. The basis of marriage is not self-fulfilment; it is faithfulness. Marriage is about a long-term relationship; it is keeping your covenant, your vows in the past, for a stable future.

One person advises married couples:

"Do not have unrealistic expectations. Change is inevitable, and time and age will bring changes—both physical and emotional. Be prepared for the upcoming seasons of life, and assure your spouse of your love through each season." (Proverbs (King James Version) F. The Wise Path of Life (Part 6): Flee from Evil Seduction, 5:1–23)

Sex is for marriage, between "a man and a woman in a committed and exclusive relationship. This is the path of life, the way of wisdom" (Proverbs (King James Version) F. The Wise Path of Life (Part 6): Flee from Evil Seduction, 5:1–23)

Conclusion: Be faithful and disciplined

If you are married, what is asked will take discipline to remain faithful and not give in to temptations, or to be envious of those who seem to have what you don’t seem to have. If you are not married, it will take discipline to remain faithful and not give in to temptations, or to be envious of those who have what you don’t seem to have.

Both ways require discipline and faithfulness to God and to your partner - if you have one.

We are told in the last 3 sentences

For your ways are in full view of the Lord,
and he examines all your paths.
The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them;
the cords of their sins hold them fast.
For lack of discipline they will die,
led astray by their own great folly. (Proverbs 5:21–23 NIV)

The warning is that God sees all, and that sin entraps and binds people to their own virtual prison. What is needed is discipline, or they will be led astray.

It must have been devastating for that Coldplay couple and their families to be memed so much after everything went public. We need to remember that our “ways are in full view of the Lord.” God has a cosmic kiss cam on us and sees what we are doing (Steve McAlpine used this line). That should humble us and cause us to rethink how we might comment on others who have made foolish decisions. Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27–28 NIV)

Before God, we might all realise that we are all broken. Our hearts are sinful. But the good news is, that the God who sees all also offers forgiveness to those who have gone down a foolish path.

We see this so clearly in Jesus.

In John 8, the religious leaders try to trap Jesus by bringing a woman (and not the man for some reason) who has had her own kiss cam moment and her adultery is exposed. The religious guys bring her to Jesus to see what He would do. Their law means they could kill her by throwing rocks at her. Jesus doesn’t say her adultery was fine. Instead, he said that whoever is without sin could be the first to throw a stone. And no one could. And yet, Jesus, the only one without sin, He could have started the stoning, but He didn’t. Instead, later, He would take the death penalty for our sin instead of letting us die for our own foolishness.

In John 4 when Jesus meets a woman by herself at a well, probably because she was a bit of an outcast, she was living with a guy who wasn’t her husband and had had multiple husbands before that. Jesus doesn’t condemn her, instead He offers her a spring of water that will not make her thirsty again (John 4:14).

Having a spouse with a great sex life is not the goal of life. Jesus, who was not married, lived life to the full. He offers people to find satisfaction in Him, where they will never thirst for life. For in Jesus, we find God, and we find how to live.

Sexual faithfulness in marriage is a means of being faithful to God. Sexual faithfulness in singleness is also a means of being faithful to God. Both are following His ways, both involved being disciplined and listening to His voice, trusting His ways are the way to a good life.

Marriage, at its best, is a smaller reflection of God’s relationship with His people. God promises His people, like a groom to a bride, that He would love them and never forsake them. It is foolish to think you can be in an intimate relationship with your spouse and someone else, but it is also foolish to think you can have a relationship with God and sin.

In marriage, drink from your own well, find satisfaction in your spouse, and them alone. But remember, that it is only Jesus who offers living water, where a deeper and longer-lasting satisfaction can be found. Not in sex, but in Jesus is where we can find our life.

At the end of the Bible, there is a great vision of a wedding, where a bride has been prepared to live with the groom forever. That is the goal we are to press on to, where we will be made ready to dwell with our Saviour forever. Where we are told, we will all be able to drink freely from the springs of the water of life (Rev 21:6), where there will be no more tears or pain, and be completely satisfied in our faithful God.

Sovereign God who sees all,

Help us to listen to your warnings of temptations

so that we will not be led astray by fleeting desires.

Teach us to rejoice in the gifts you have given us

and to be faithful in love and disciplined in following you.

Help us to walk in ways that honour you

So you can guide us to the heavenly banquet,

where we will be satisfied in you forever and ever.

In Christ, Jesus our Lord. Amen.