We are kicking off our short series for the rest of the term looking at different relationships. Over the next weeks, we will be looking at our relationships with parents, relationships in dating and our relationship with God. Tonight, we are looking at what Proverbs says about friendships
Friends are like potatoesThis is true.
If you eat them, they die
We all want friends, but we might not all have friends. In the question box, someone asked: “Would we be depressed if we didn’t have friends?” This is a good question.
Having friendships is one of the things God has made us to have. In fact, if you don’t have any desire to want friends it is considered a personality disorder[1]. We are made to have a relationship with God and with the people around us. The first thing that God said wasn’t good with all of His creation was when Adam didn’t have company (Gen 2:18).
Friends are a blessing and a gift from God. If you don’t have friends your life isn’t as good and you will feel lonely. And loneliness is a big problem in our country. There are many people who feel disconnected and have no one to turn to - this is not how it should be.
Proverbs and friendship
Proverbs we need to remember are not promises. Instead, they are general principals, explaining in broad brush strokes how the world works. It takes wisdom to know when to apply each proverb. In some circumstances, they are highly relevant, in others, it would be silly to try them. The real trick is to know when to apply what proverb. And we do this today with our own sayings. We may say “many hands make light work”, but we also say “too many cooks spoil the broth”[2]. So, which is it? Too many people are a good thing or a hindrance? It all depends on the situation.
Friendship fits right in with the book of Proverbs, as this book is generally telling you to do the harder thing. It is all about the lost art of self-discipline. It says to earn money you have to work hard for it, that laziness doesn’t pay off, to avoid sexual immorality, to not give in to temptation and to take control of your speech. These hard things help build your godly character. Think about your favorite book or movie and the hero in it. They faced something hard and overcame it, it built their character and made a good story. Keeping friends, real friends is a hard thing to do. It is a self-discipline that you have to work at.
After looking through the book of Proverbs I think there are at least seven ideas on friendship[3] but for the sake of time, we are only going to look at three of them.
- Selecting friends (Prov 12:16, 22:24-25)
- Speaking to your friends (Prov 27:5-6, 29:5)
- Serving your friends (by knowing their limits) (Prov 25:16-17)
So how do we select our friends? Sometimes we just happen to be in the same place as someone, or school, or church or on the same street. You might have friends based on the same interests or tastes in music or TV shows. But a true friend is more than just someone who has one or two similarities with you. A true friend is someone who you hare deep values and beliefs with, someone who you let in, someone who you really trust and open up with, showing your own vulnerability with them.
Friends are important, which is why Proverbs says:
The righteous choose their friends carefully,It is because the powerful influence friends have that we should be careful in picking who we most let into our life. It is because of this influence that your parents always asked where you were going and who is going to be there. And we saw this idea last term in 1 Corinthians 15 where it said:
but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26)
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Cor 15:33)Friends influence you, for good or bad. C. S. Lewis said friendship makes good men better and bad men worst[4].
So who should we be letting in? According to the book of Proverbs, it should be the wise and not the foolish (Prov 13:20, 14:7). And who are the wise? Those who fear the Lord. And who are the foolish? Those who do not listen to wisdom. In Proverbs, the foolish are described as lazy, gluttons and drunkards (Prov 13:4, 20:3, 23:20-21, 25:14). The wicked shows their friends no mercy (Prov 21:10). We are explicitly told:
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person,We need friends to influence our lives, to help and encourage us to keep the main thing the main thing. And this principle should be applied even more so with someone who you want to date, but that is for another talk.
do not associate with one easily angered,
or you may learn their ways
and get yourself ensnared. (Proverbs 22:24-25)
As Christians, we are encouraged to think about whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely and worthy of praise (Phil 4:8). Do you have friends that help you in this area? But more importantly, are you truthful, just, pure and worthy of praise?
Do you have friends who encourage you to love others and to do good deeds? How are you going about spurring your friends towards more love and good deeds? (Heb 10:24)
If you do not know anyone well enough yet to trust them at that level, are you seeking that person out?[5]
Sometimes when you need a friend,You might feel like no one is inviting you to their place, or calling you up. Can I just gently suggest that you could do the selecting. Friends are a choice. You could be inviting people to your place and you could be doing the calling.
you just need to be a friend
Proverbs says friends are important, but it is important to have the right friends.
Speaking to friends
While loving a friend involves positive affirmation it doesn’t mean you and accept and tolerate everything they do. Friends are honest with each other, even if it hurts.
Better is open rebukeOn the face of it, you may think this ancient text has gotten a bit scrambled in the translation. It is a paradox, but the point is that when you get a wound from your friend you can trust it. Do you have friends around you like this? Are you the kind of person who would willingly wound your friend, on rare occasions, because you long for their best? Could you inflict pain for their progress? [8] Do you have friends who would inflict pain for your progress? Would you trust their council if they disagree with you? How well do you deal with a disagreement with your friends? Do you cause drama if they don’t accept you just as you are?
than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:5-6)
This isn’t an open invite to nitpick and be highly critical of everything your friend does wrong. Don’t be that friend who is always pointing out the shortcomings of others, pretending to be “loving” but really you are just bringing them down to promote yourself, even doing it in front of others. You don’t rebuke for your own sake, you do it to a friend, whom you have their love and trust because you care for your friend and want what is best for them.
Proverbs 29:5 says
Those who flatter their neighboursHere a net is used as a means for a trap. If you have a friend who is always praising and encouraging you, this proverb is telling you to be careful. Sometimes you need a close friend to pull you aside, to correct you. To speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15). Not because they are mean-spirited, but because they want what is best for you. It is a way of them loving you.
are spreading nets for their feet. (Proverbs 29:5)
Friends are people who we have mutual trust with, who love us and are willing to be honest to us, even if it is hard, especially if it is hard. Do you have friends like that? Are you a friend like that?
Serving your friends (by knowing their limits)
Friendships are good things, but there are limits. In Proverbs, we are told to be good neighbours and friends to the people around us, but sometimes friends need time not together[9]. It is one way we can serve them.
If anyone loudly blesses their neighbour early in the morning,And
it will be taken as a curse. (Proverbs 27:14)
If you find honey, eat just enough—It is possible to outstay your welcome. You can demand too much from a friend leaving them drained. This again can come back to who you are selecting as a friend. Who are you letting into your house or online?
too much of it, and you will vomit.
Seldom set foot in your neighbour’s house—
too much of you, and they will hate you. (Proverbs 25:16-17)
Do you have a friend who seems to be always surrounded by hardships and drama? Are you that person who is always leaning on your friends for help, or always outstaying your welcome? Being a leach? When you say you are leaving does everyone else breathe a sigh of relief?
Friends are going to let you down. Human friendships must have limits because it is human[10]. We are all too big to be completely understood by another person, but God does know every hair on our heads (Luke 12:7).
Friendships prepare us for a higher relationship. One with the God who knows us, who has chosen us, who loves us, who died for us, who rebukes us and who has no limits. Remember Jesus was called “Immanuel” (Isa 7:14, Mat 1:23), meaning “God with us”. Jesus was the ultimate friend of sinners. There is no greater love than someone who lays down their life for their friends (John 15:13).
Let's pray:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the gift of friendships
May we experience the blessings of friends
Help us to choose friends wisely
To do hard things for our friends
And to spur our friends to grow nearer to you
Amen.
[1] Schizoid personality disorder
[2] ESV Study Bible, Introduction to Proverbs
[3] The other four are: loving your friends (Prov 17:9, 17); sticking with friends (Prov 18:24, 27:9-10); don’t complicate your friendships with loans/money (Prov 6:1-6; 17:18); and to be careful when testifying against your neighbor or friend (Prov 24:28-29, 25:7, 18).
[4] Cited in Vaughan Roberts, True Friendship, p39
[5] Ray Ortlund, Proverbs: Wisdom that works (Preach the Word), chapter on Friendship
[6] Vaughan Roberts, True Friendship, p40
[7] https://twitter.com/Barbie/status/374578668028579840
[8] Alistair Begg, True Friendship
[9] Ray Ortlund, Proverbs: Wisdom that works (Preach the Word), chapter on Friendship
[10] Hugh Black, Friendship
[11] Kurt Peters, Resurrection and Friendship
Thanks great blog ppost
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